Ideas that make the world a better place – but not really

Life is full of problems. Fortunately, some have taken it upon themselves to create solutions to issues that no one knew needed solving. But where’s the fun in that?

Tofu alcohol

Are tofu and the damaging environmental effects of its mass production causing you sleepless nights and eczema? Finally, science has taken matters into its own latex-gloved hands to tackle this epidemic head-on. Tofu alcohol has been created. No, the world has not run out of grapes, and as far as I know, PETA has not won seats in government. It’s called Sachi and is made by fermenting tofu whey (which is a by-product of the tofu making process). When discarded untreated tofu whey its a pollutant – hardly surprising, you only need to try tofu once to know that any substance that tastes like a mouldy sponge is not supposed to be eaten. Its creators say it’s “tasty”. Disclaimer: I do not know how regularly tofu wine creators leave their laboratories and venture into real-life bars and other public places. As such, I have no means of gauging their “enjoyable beverages” barometer. I recommend erring on the side of caution with the term “tasty” when considering tofu beverages. Next time you find yourself in a vegan hipster bar sipping on £25 tofu cocktails that taste like liquid car tyre mixed with turpentine, you can bask in the comfort of knowing that you’re saving pollutants from seeping into the earth’s soil: by drinking them.

Anti-hangover alcohol

You’ll be pleased to hear that other people are working on more useful projects. Hangover free alcohol has burst out of the lab and onto nowhere yet but coming soon. This really is the best thing since sliced bread. The new wonder substance will perform all the usual tricks of alcohol but without the ghastly headache post-consumption. Just imagine waking up the following morning without having to hold your head to stop it from cracking apart like an Easter egg. It’ll be goodbye to rocking from side to side in the fetal position and hello breakfast time Geiger Bombs. Instead of feeling like you’ve been hit by a bus, tired and filled with regret, you’ll be able to channel all of your energy into the regret part after remembering the text messages you accidentally sent your boss; not even anti-hangover alcohol can un-send those. I would revel in the majesty of no-hangover-alcohol. Although I can’t help but conclude that such a creation would only be legal in Scandinavian countries where they’re too sensible for hangovers and can’t afford the enjoyment tax added to the price of every beer, thereby rendering the purpose of hangover free alcohol entirely redundant.

Break-up fees

Time and patience are the healers of a broken heart, but I’m sure a few hundred thousand in a break-up fee compensation may also help to speed up the process. The future is looking brighter for all new members of the lonely hearts club. Break up payments are becoming common amongst desperate lovers trying to rid themselves of their clingy other half. There are the usual lines: “it’s not you, it’s me”, “we’re just so different – I like Star Trek, you like Star Wars”, and “You don’t shake it like Beyoncé anymore”. But if those aren’t working for you, it could be time to put your money where your mouth is and pay him off.

It’s like a pre-marriage divorce settlement. Avoid all the drama of social media stalking, sticking pins into voodoo dolls and crying into tubs of ice cream. Instead, you can settle eyes for eyes and teeth for teeth in a big lump sum payout. What an extremely rational way of coping with being dumped after a three-month whirlwind love affair. Three months is a long time to be holding in farts, attending crochet workshops and pretending to love tofu cocktails. Just keep the receipts so you can claim it all back. I wonder what coffee with Mr Wannabe Man of the Year is worth? Usual hourly rate, travel expenses plus a boredom fee must equate to at least a holiday.

All these innovative wonder ideas have a habit of making life more complicated than it needs to be. Why not avoid tofu all together? Drink in moderation? Or accept that love on Tinder doesn’t always last forever? My goodness, commonsense and rationality is so passé.


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